"MY UNSEEN ENEMY" BY ALIMPOOS, PRINCESS DENISE C.

"My Unseen Enemy"

Growing up, I've always admired those who can push themselves outside of their own “box”. Each day I would look up to them and ask myself. “Would I be like them someday where I can be out of my own box too?” In just a snap, I finally realized that it is what I have been aiming for. These people that inspired me have shown me that “If they can do it too, then so can I”. I mean how hard can it be to just grow outside from your own box right? Well, it turns out I was wrong, as I've tried for how many times, even gone through trials and errors. I still couldn't figure out how to grow myself out of my own box but as I look back to those whom I've admired, it suddenly became an eye opener to me that in order for me to grow outside of my box, I should be more than just a body or mind which led me to a deeper and better understanding. 

 However, as years passed, each day I would try again and again, finding ways to improve myself just to see the light outside of my box, but suddenly there was this person who managed to find their way in through my box, my world, a presence that I couldn't shake off. At first I felt confused, thinking that “out of all the boxes he could choose, why choose mine?” l was so lost in thought, busy doubting myself, trembling from all these negative thoughts overflowing in my head and felt like I was on the verge of breaking, wishing for him to say something “just please say something” and there, he finally said "hi", that one word snapped me back to reality. It took me a couple moments to process things, scared to say “ Hi” But eventually I did. That was when our story started, my journey with someone who chose to be in my world. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and each day I'd feel more and more comfortable with them. We basically did everything together, and most importantly, he helped me be free from my box that weighed a lot of burdens and limitations. 

Consequently, I thought and felt that maybe this is it that I made it already and that I had already accomplished my goal. That we were both okay, that he also has been carrying my burdens too and thought that he’d always be with me. But then as time passed by, I somehow felt like something was wrong. He started to explore and try out some new things, met new people that were very good to him. But there was this feeling that I couldn't ignore, asked myself “I thought that we’d always do everything together” And a thought that has been circling around my mind which was the word “distant”. I was sure that I was not the reason why I'm feeling this way, so every night I'd wonder and eventually that became the reason why we’d get into conflicts. Even though I knew it to myself that we were both secure, that I shouldn't doubt him and just put all my trust in him, I still couldn't do it and then I started to blame him for that. I gradually became somewhat selfish and insecure because I wanted to keep him all to myself, to keep what we had as our own little secret. I didn't want others to experience you, to feel the way you make me feel, because that connection is a part of me now. It's a selfish thing, I know, but I can't stand the thought of anyone else having a piece of what's mine. Every night, every conflict, a wall has now grown between us and that was what I feared the most. 

At that moment, we both were silent. It felt like our worlds were far apart. Then he said something that felt like a slap, “is this really what you wanted? Or is it just the voices in your head?”. That sentence broke me into pieces and I pushed myself back into my box again without even realizing it. Back from the start, back to zero. Reflecting back on what he said, I realized that it was true. That deep down I knew that someday I would become emotionally and mentally attached to him which led me to be selfish to let him go and explore things. That all this time I had been blaming him for making me feel this way and that he was the reason why I pushed myself back in my box. But now that I opened my eyes to see the truth, the reality, I started to feel guilty, guilty for pushing him away, that all this time I've been listening to my unseen enemy. And then I realized that it was the reason behind all the conflict that happened between us, the doubts that pondered inside my head and it was what ruined me, “us”. I sat on the corners of my box mourning and regretting all the words that came out of my mouth, the decisions I made. Which caused my box to lose its life. 

I thought that this was the end for me, but no I was wrong, it felt like it was the end for me but it wasn't the end for him. He opened my box and reached out his hand with no hesitation and he said, “you're not alone”. And hearing those words I now felt free from my box that was consuming the life out of me, full of doubts, burdens, problems and limitations.  As I reached his hand and got out, he said something that removed all the heavy feelings on my back, “You don't have to always go through everything alone”. And now I finally and truly realized that him trying to explore new things, meeting new people doesn't mean that I had been forgotten by him.

But instead it was a way to help him grow. Now I suddenly knew what my box was trying to do, it wanted to hold me back from things that I could reach, limit my interactions with others because of my fears and thoughts. And finally, I decided that if I'd do the same thing as him and leave my thoughts  too, then maybe just maybe I could fully open my eyes and mind to different worlds, different perspectives and what it's like to explore other people's world too. Because if I focus on their holistic views as well then it could surely help me grow even more. 

As I reread this over and over again, I also realized that if

one system in my life changes then everything would also change and that

happened when I met him, who also helped me realize what was holding me

back which was my unseen enemy.