"SEEING THE BIGGER PICTURE OF MY LIFE" BY ASILO, QUEEN KIMBERLY T.

"Seeing the Bigger Picture of My Life"

I've always been desperate to make my parents proud, no matter what. At a young age, I've pressured myself to be recognized for academic excellence as I thought my worth could only be seen by everyone if I achieved something good—if I did something good. 

Everything went downhill by the time I was in 8th grade. I got disqualified from the DepEd's honors list. I lost all motivation and was burned out, but it wasn’t until the third quarter that my friends helped me regain some sense. That moment made me realize that just because I wasn't an honor student anymore, I didn't have to give everything up. Everyone has their limitations, and it's up to us to overcome them. Limitations are there to make us stronger, not to weaken us. Our strengths can be leveraged to overcome limitations or weaknesses, and I was able to resonate with myself more, to treat myself better, so that I wasn't just a daughter who was only capable of bringing herself down due to academics. I knew then I was more than that. 

Back then, I couldn't think about everything wholly—too focused on the affected grades, not the effort I had put in. I couldn't see the family and friends who stood by me—and even God's presence. I blamed myself every single day, gaslighting myself into thinking I wasn't doing enough. I limited myself due to the poor grades I received and couldn't transcend. Grades can never define who you are as a person. 

I rethought everything when my friends and I talked, and by then, I saw my strength, my resilience, the capabilities that others wished they had. I learned to see everyone who stood by me and value myself more as a person, not just as an academically driven person. Understanding both views of the experience brought me wisdom that only I knew about myself. It was inevitable to feel sad since everyone has emotions, since that's one of the reasons that makes us human. It taught me that mistakes are there to reshape me, to refine who I am as a person. People will always change. 

My "truth" ever since as a child was that my academic success was my only worth and only path to being valued by everyone. It was even supported or encouraged by my parents to have that mindset, that it was good. As I grew older, I discovered that my mindset was driven by a fear of disappointment and pressure from everyone. 

I learned to separate my impossible fantasies from reality, which helped me in anchoring the truth and not wallow in self-doubt by simply talking it out to someone or journaling it on my Notes app. The only truth I knew from that experience was that I tried my best, my efforts could never go in vain, and I was growing as a person. 

Seeking every truth discoverable in the world and about myself helps me grow as a person—not just academically, but holistically. I may not see myself in the future, but I know I will be important, that I have a purpose in life that only I can fulfill. Challenges aren't there to break us, to discover the nonexistent weaknesses that hold us down, but rather to shape us. Those losses allow us to rise above our vulnerable side and use our resolve to our advantage.